Say what you need to say

Should this be the title of my next sex-guide book?

The other night, one of my orgasms was interrupted by a change in position and rhythm and it messed me up! I was in my head reaching for fantasies and desperately trying to find the lost orgasm amidst feelings of frustration, resentment, and a distaste for irony.

Before we continue, I need to set up some context.

That morning, I posted a pop quiz asking what one should do if a person with a clitoris says, “I’m coming.” The most popular answer is keep on keeping on - don’t change the pace, pressure, nada. For most of us, this is not just the best answer but the only answer. Unfortunately, partners will sometimes get excited and go all wonky in the moments that could have been leading up to a wonderful orgasm.

My hubby is generally very attuned to my body. He is rarely surprised by an orgasm (generally only when I am lol) because he is paying attention to my body’s reactions, my skin color changes, erections, and muscle tension. I don’t generally express anything about coming, he reads me.

Sidenote: It is so sexy to be read in this way and to have someone tell you the different things they notice about your body in pleasure mode!

Anyway, that night I had decided to read some erotica while he was otherwise occupied and though he was tired when he came to bed, he quickly woke up to participate in my arousal. I was PRIMED and ready to go. I felt my orgasm building and I was giving into the sensations when suddenly he shifted something and boom - that baby was lost to the world. Despite my efforts to lean into sensation and to lean into the erotica I had just read, it was not coming back.

I felt betrayed. I thought - didn’t he read my post today? You KEEP IT GOING. Don’t stop, don’t change, don’t even breathe.

I realized that since the lights were off (since he thought we were going to bed when he came in), some of the signs he would normally read were not available to him. He didn’t know.

So there we were - trying different things but without hope. I was requesting different positions and types of stimulation in a sad attempt to find what was lost. However, it was impossible because my frustration and resentment were in the way.

Eventually, I paused and told him what happened. I explained that when I had been close to orgasm, he had switched up the stimulation and that I felt frustrated.

As is always the case for me, I felt a burden lift.

Instead of continuing to live within my mind where a bunch of things were swirling around and getting in one another’s way in a frenzied and futile attempt to reach a pleasure goal, I expressed myself. I wasn’t alone in my efforts anymore. I wasn’t holding on to feelings and thoughts that desired an escape. I said what I needed to say.

Taking the time to release these pent-up thoughts created the space I needed to recalibrate. We started again and soon after, my physical release followed. I was relieved and pleased.

What my mind/arousal looked like that night…. (quickly rising to high arousal and then an immediate drop to frantic and anxious mind until it began to rise into a delicious orgasm and maintained arousal)

A lot of my work as a coach and educator is helping others practice saying what they need to say. Whether it’s supporting folks in learning how to use non-violent communication techniques to express themselves, or learning how to explore dirty talk and sensual communication to improve their sexual encounters, or even learning to listen to themselves so they can identify their own needs - it’s all about self-expression. I’m all about

1. getting clear on your wants/needs

2. releasing shame about having them

3. developing tools for getting those needs met

While I cover this a bit in my first book, An Introguide to a Sex Positive You: Lessons, Tales, and Tips, I wonder if I should be taking a deeper dive into this topic. Would you read my yet to be written book supporting people in saying what they need to say within their relationships and sexual encounters?

Shout-out to Dr. Candice Hargons who asked, “what would be the title of the book of your sex life?” spurring this whole post!