FAQ: How do I communicate with a partner who doesn’t want to try anything new?
5 tips (assuming it's not for jerky reasons)
Communication techniques will depend on why your partner doesn’t want to try anything new. There is a difference between someone who feels satisfied with their current sex life and is unconcerned about the experiences of their partner – aka, the “selfish lover” – and someone who feels insecure, shy, or has experienced sexual or religious trauma and therefore needs some support in having these conversations. The following assumes that your lover needs support in navigating something that is new for them to create more mutual comfort.
1. Establish a safe space
Establish a safe space for expressing concerns, feelings, and desires in a way that doesn’t leave you or your partner feeling judged. You can develop common agreements around scheduling time for these thoughtful conversations and how to handle responding to what is shared, including mismatched desires. For example, space to validate without agreeing to unwanted activity can look like, “Thank you for sharing that this is something you enjoy/would want to try. I don’t feel comfortable with/interested in trying X [right now] but we can look into ways to satisfy your desires.”
2. Identify what’s going on for them
Support your partner in understanding what’s causing their reluctance. They may have fears, insecurities, or past experiences that are influencing their mindset. By understanding these concerns, you can address them compassionately and find common ground. If they have experienced past trauma, read Intimacy After Trauma for some tools.
3. Mix up the dynamic
If you are used to expressing interests that your partner has rejected or shut down, invite them to consider their own desires. This can look like (1) showing them some yes/no/maybe lists to expose them to ideas they can choose from or, (2) if they use erotic materials, asking to learn more about their genre choices to better understand their preferences. Even if your partner claims to have no interest in any other activities, inviting them to discuss what they like about what you both know they enjoy might help open them up to further inspiration.
4. Offer educational resources
People can feel a lot of pressure to respond to a partner’s requests in the moment. Relieve that pressure by letting your partner know that there is something that interests you and that you’d like to give them more information about it so they can take solo time to learn more. Then, agree on a date for answering questions, discussing what comes up for those involved, and potentially exploring more resources together or trying it out.
5. Seek Out Support
No matter how amazing we are at communication techniques and how much care we offer, tensions can arise. If you feel yourself coming up against a wall, consider seeking out professional guidance. Coaches and therapists can facilitate discussions between you and your partners in a way that might be challenging on your own.
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I originally published a version of this FAQ as a paid writer with Pure Romance.